and i looked up. we had an audience...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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