My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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