Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE