I chose taco bell over sex...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
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Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
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My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.