It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection