she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
