So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
