ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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