She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
