i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
