it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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