every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
