just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
