Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
