She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
