Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
babies were throwing up all over the place
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
