yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
