I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
