Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
