I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
