Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
