you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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