she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
