I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
