i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
