This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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