He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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