she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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