Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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