Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
