The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
