i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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