I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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