Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
