omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
home. puking in laundry basket.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
