I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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