I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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