After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
