i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
