I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
