Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
