I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.