just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
