I cannot find my penis.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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