I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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