peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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