I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
