I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
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