i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
