my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
