Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
