one two three fourrrrnication!
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
