just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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