So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
