If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
