I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
